From co-CEO to Cabbie
Be careful what you wish for…It will come true!
I can’t tell you how many times over the course of my career I would think about how nice it would be to just walk my dogs during the middle of the day. Or be forever present for my children so that I could be the one to drive, or pick-up, or host. Being a working mom pulls your heart and priorities in so many directions. When I was with my kids, I was thinking about work. When I was at work, I was thinking about my kids.
I also can’t remember a time when I wasn't employed. I started working when I was 14 and have maintained some type of job since then. Even on maternity leave with both of my babies, I was never really “off.” And to boot, the eight-year stress of building a business from the ground up left me feeling guilty about working so much and having less time for my kids. It also took a toll on the general health of my mind/body/spirit - the constant state of action with little to no down time. Ever.. It wasn’t until the last 6-12 months that I began recognizing my life needed a major reset.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved what I did. I loved building a business. I loved working with my business partners. I loved growing teams and mentoring employees. I loved the P&L (profit and loss statement) and the puzzle of it all. But my body, not so much. It had begun throwing out red alerts long before this last year. In 2017, I basically had a mullet because of hair loss from stress. And the grueling work weeks, extensive travel, and exhaustion of it all almost landed me in the hospital (or maybe even a psychiatric ward) by the end of 2019. I was a rat stuck in a rat race, running as fast as I could, with no safe way to break free of the pack.
To be clear, no one was forcing me to do this. I did all of this by my own free will, by my constant need to prove my value by doing. I was completely unaware of the predicament I had put myself in, or the patterns I had learned as a young child that were now manifesting in my daily life. All I knew how to do was… do.
Instead of a human being, I was a human doing…constantly in action, constantly checking things off of my ever-growing and never-ending list. I rushed from one event, meeting, workout, family dinner, sports game to the next - truly believing that by merely physically showing up, that was enough to prove how much I loved and cared for those around me. It was an utter and complete recipe for disaster.
Of course hindsight is 20/20 and a luxury we don’t have when we are in the moment. But something I am now learning that I do have in the moment is breath. Breath has become my best friend, my consistent regulator, my confidant. Through breathing (and lots and lots of studying), I am learning the ancient practice of wu wei. Wu wei, in its simplest form, means effortless action.
When my old pattern of doing sneakily shows up like a familiar friend, I often don’t even realize it’s taken over. It’s not until my brain has detailed out my every move for the next six-months, or I’ve busily outlined the business plan for my next venture, when I finally recognize what’s happening and think, “Awe shit, there my brain goes again.” But now, I bring awareness to these thoughts. I recognize them as the objects they are, and I breathe. Then, sometimes quickly, other times slowly, my mind quiets, and I’m able to return to the present. I remind myself I no longer need to “do.” It’s okay to just be.
A beautiful thing about being present is the peace I have found. I no longer worry about the past or fear the future. I’m free to just be. I hear the birds sing now when I walk my dogs. I learn more about my kids when I’m taxiing them all over town (a privilege I will never take for granted). And I’ve let go – errrr, am letting go – of the need to control my future. By surrendering to my higher good, I’m confident my higher purpose will be revealed. No longer beholden to a system or pattern that doesn’t serve me, I’m free to create my new patterns. My new journey.
I’m forever grateful for the many lessons learned over the past eight years in my career as a co-CEO and would make the same choices all over again if I could. But through reflection and growth, I can see a brighter pathway for myself, one that includes tranquility, joy, rest, and self-fulfillment.
