Now! An Impetuous Superpower

One of my superpowers is driving projects and initiatives forward. You say go, I go.  I don’t stop until the project is complete or goals are met. Some call me impetuous. I call it effective.

This serves me extremely well, much of the time. While sometimes considered impetuous by my methodical and calculated  peers, my quick to action decision making allows for fast progress, something necessary in a high-growth company. My belief - inform decisions with the data at hand, then make a fast decision from a place of inner-knowing and  intuition. You can always course correct later if need-be. 

In personality assessments, I am always the driver or motivator, often the force preventing failure to launch. Just this last week I was part of an Insights Discovery workshop that showed I have strong red (a combo of extroversion and thinking) and yellow (a combo of positivity, enthusiasm, and creativity) preferences. The way I show up in the world consciously and subconsciously are as a Directing Motivator and an Inspiring Motivator, respectively.Which is fitting, because there is not much more that I love than working with a team to execute against goals.

Some of my strengths came back as: can generate fast results by prioritizing well and taking action, is opportunistic, original, spontaneous, and versatile, will drive others to achieve greater things, and will lead by fighting alongside the troops in the trenches.

And some of the suggestions for development included more time dedicated to analyzing my thoughts and feelings, accepting that decisions based on solid analysis are more reliable than intuition alone, and thinking very carefully before rushing into action.

This last one. Thinking very carefully before rushing into action…

Last Monday, April 22, I launched my first book, Unwinding Perfect: One Woman’s Story of Reclamation, into the world. 

I did it in very typical Christine fashion - without much analysis or consideration for some of the potential fallouts.  In many ways, this was necessary for me to step forward into this next chapter of me.  Had I overly thought about birthing a memoir into the world, I may have had a failure to launch. Had I completely considered potential feelings and emotions I might experience, I probably would have stayed private.

Writing the book was one thing - cathartic and healing, it allowed me to process decades of emotions and behaviors that had led up to that moment. Releasing it into the world was a whole other thing - it would have been much easier not to, but somewhere, deep inside me, this inner knowing kept saying you have to put this book out to the world. Because I operate so much from intuition and have worked so hard to surrender control and release fear, I knew I had to listen. Ultimately, it was easier for me to trust my gut without contemplating potential fall-out because I didn’t want to be persuaded not to launch the book.

Once April 22 was chosen as the release date, I went into Christine mode. I created marketing and communications strategies and met with other authors and entrepreneurs to talk about ways to accelerate messaging. I learned Instagram (kind of, a whole other beast that I am slowly warming to). And I launched Unwinding Perfect in a tactical and strategic way. 

The first day Unwinding Perfect was available, it became a #1 best seller across multiple categories, and I became a bestselling author, an accomplishment I had never dreamed until recently. I went to bed Monday night excited, high on the wave of celebration and accomplishment, only to wake Tuesday morning with a rock in my stomach. The elation was gone, and in its place was trepidation, doubt and exhaustion. I wanted to crawl back in bed, hide under my comforter and never come out.

This book was a new baby and I had birthed it into the world. I had created something so far outside the scope of what I knew professionally, and the emotions that came with it were almost unbearable. I was depleted - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I longed to be held, comforted by someone else’s strength. I was open to receiving and was done being the strong one.

“What have I done,” repeated over and over in my head. While I didn’t feel regret about the book, and I kept grounding in my truth that this book was written for anyone seeking more in their life, I began to feel some of the emotions I probably should have considered pre-launch. 

While my ex and I had talked about the book and I had shared some of it with him, I was concerned about how he was feeling that day. Also, in the book, I discuss some of my parent’s personality traits, and I was worried specifically about my mom and how she felt.  I was less concerned about how the book was received because speaking your truth is never wrong, but I couldn’t help but feel something had forever shifted.

I started to get messages from friends saying I was brave and courageous, but I didn't feel brave. In fact, I started to wonder what was wrong with me for even considering sharing such a personal introspection into my heart. If other people were telling me they would never do this, why was I?

Later that day, when I shared this sentiment with my publisher, Samantha Joy from Landon Hail Press, she shared some sage advice. She said, “Christine, this is totally normal if you’ve been used to hiding, or doing what others request of you, or what makes them comfortable. You are not crazy, you’re just on a new level, willing to go for what you want and what is true for you. Remember that you can never mess up the truth, be patient for all the rewards that come in.”

I sat with that, and allowed myself a new way to process what I was feeling. Yes, I can be impetuous at times. And yes, I may not always fully analyze potential outcomes. Maybe I do rush into action. But had I not, I also most likely would not have released this book. I allowed myself grace and I embraced my shadows. I remembered how my quick decision making served the business I helped build and served as co-CEO of. And once again I learned to accept me, all of me.

As I sit and write this blog one-week post launch, I’m more settled, less depleted. My mom has given me kind feedback, and I’m hopeful she finds growth through this too. She wrote to me, “As you said at the end [of the book], a little difficult for your family to read, but all very true about us! I’ve learned a little about myself reading it, as you are me in so many ways. Ways that I saw as strong and as being a team player, but realizing I probably lost myself decades ago.”

It is in the polarity of these emotions that I rejoice. Shadows and light. I’m heartbroken that she lost some of herself, but also hopeful because it is never too late for her to begin her journey of self-discovery. If I can help be the catalyst for that, then I have succeeded in my journey.

So while I recognize I am impetuous and often rush into action, sometimes making others uncomfortable, I embrace it as my superpower. It has made me who I am and I celebrate each decision because they led me here today.