Reclamation of…Me
Life has a funny way of coming full circle. Rather, life has a funny way of ensuring the lessons you are meant to learn in this lifetime are learned. And throwing that lesson back up in your face just to check that it's been learned.
When I began to open my mind to the idea of conscious living and conscious creation, I became much more aware of the synchronicities of life. The tiny miracles that happen daily that I previously brushed off as a mere coincidence; those miracles now have profound meaning and represent much more than a chance encounter.
In doing so, by opening my mind to the introspection and reflection that inherently comes with consciously living and seeking more, I began to unwind subconscious patterning that was holding me back from stepping into the truest form of Me (a life-long journey, one I am far from the pinnacle of).
Forty plus years of people pleasing, being easy going and not rocking the boat - being smart, but not too smart; having an opinion, but acquiescing if tension or conflict arose - allowed me to shapeshift and fit-in in just about any circumstance. The consummate question asker, I deflected attention from myself and ensured the people I was around felt seen, heard, and ultimately, loved. I did this with complete sincerity. I love hard and am generous with my love, and know with every bone in my body love is not a scarcity.
One of the greatest lessons I have had to learn over the past couple of years, and one that keeps showing back up as a test, is that people-pleasing does not equal love. I thought that through self-sacrifice, by keeping peace and not hurting feelings, I was demonstrating love; that by preventing conflict, hurt feelings, and potentially loss, I was showing up for the people in my life. The opposite could not be more true.
Instead, I was lying. I didn’t know it, and it wasn’t malicious. But it was still lying.
Now I understand that pleasing is ego. Anytime I did something that went against my inner knowing or a gut feeling, I was abandoning myself, and essentially lying to the recipient. It seemed better to sacrifice myself than to hurt feelings or risk abandonment. Slowly, I began to realize how this behavior was unfair to me and my loved ones. It didn’t serve me, and it didn’t serve those around me. When I began to eventually set boundaries, it created conflict with people I love most in my life. From family to friends, I started making everyone uncomfortable.
Even myself sometimes.
As I began showing up for myself more and more, things shifted. Yes, hard decisions were made, and yes, there was loss. But it also allowed for the new to enter, which included friends, opportunities, and growth that could not have happened otherwise. The reclaimed and more authentic me was energetically attracting more aligned matches.
Then, the universe would test me by sending me someone or something to see just how I might respond. Sometimes I passed. Often I failed. But what was different was my awareness and how I processed the situations. Where I would have stayed before, I moved on quickly. Where I would have ruminated, I let go. And where I would have had fear, I surrendered.
As I began to unwind the generational patterning and conditioning ingrained in me from my childhood, I began writing again. I filled journals with my thoughts, writing long-form thought pieces about the emotions I was allowing myself to feel after compartmentalizing them most of my life. A book began to pour out of me.
This book, Unwinding Perfect, is a memoir that dives deep into my early motivators and ultimately the self-discovery work I did to reprogram much of my childhood conditioning. The relationships and bonds I had as a child were instrumental in developing the young woman I became, and ultimately, the life choices I made. I was forever seeking external validation because inside me, I had little idea who I truly was, what I stood for, or how to confidently create boundaries. So, I sought to achieve. By achieving, I received accolades, success, and wealth. This became my identity and helped fill the void of lack of self.
Recently, months after the manuscript had been turned in and the foundation of Unwinding Perfect was laid, I’ve experienced new realizations and awareness. Mostly that I understand and now accept I am a complex, multifaceted individual who previously was never quite sure in my own skin. Sometimes, I was “too much.” Sometimes, “too intense.” Today, I worry less if people accept me or want to be around me. I am comfortable with my shadows and embrace them, and no longer worry how people receive me. I accept myself. I give my love to those who are able to return it, and I hold space and grace for those who can’t.
Truth be told, it would be much easier not to put this book out – to not expose my inner workings, my insecurities, my fears. After all, it opens me up to judgment and criticism, and allows space for people to point fingers. No doubt my message will fall flat with some, and people may talk poorly about me.
But this book isn’t for those people. I stay grounded in my truth that this book is for anyone who is not yet comfortable in their authentic self. This book is for those willing to be open, receptive, and to explore the depths of their inner workings. I want everyone to know that they do not need permission to prioritize themselves; nor do they need permission to embark on a journey of self-discovery.
That if I can embrace this journey, so can anyone else.
